Hello. Hope you New Yorkers are enjoying the slush.
Yes, it's here. My guest spot in "The Maltese Job," the season finale of "Leverage," the great caper show starring Timothy Hutton, airs tonight on TNT at 10 p.m. EST.
My new Oglio CD, snart, 78 minutes of filthy jokes, & an accompanying DVD of "Stump The Joke Man" from the late 80's, will be released on 4/20, which is something of a silly coinkidink.
After three consecutive acting roles as Henry "Dutch" Holland & good reviews for my parts in Venus & Vegas, The Aristocrats & Leverage, & currently An Affirmative Act, I've been named The Official Host of The Hoboken International Film Festival for 2010. "An Affirmative Act," by Ken Del Vecchio, is the opening night movie.
We love you for tuning in to Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius Howard 101. Please call in, 1-888-783-7610. Our next show, at 7pm EST next Tuesday, February 23rd, is Jackie's Joke Hunt 163, The Meatheaded Cyclops.
I've got a shows on Staten Island on Saturday, & this Wednesday in Bayville. Two great places. All info is on www.jokeland.com. I hope to see you. All of you. Please drop me a line, send me a joke, do something... jokeland@aol.com
j.
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this Saturday, February 20th, 8pm
Uncle Vinnie's Comedy Club at The Lane Theater
168 New Dorp Lane
Staten Island NY 10306
box office (718) 667-3500
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this Wednesday, February 24th,
The Mill Creek Tavern
75 Bayville Avenue
Bayville NY 11709
(516) 628-2000
info@millcreekny.com
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Shankstien's oldest son comes to him and says, "Papa, I knocked up my girlfriend. I need five thousand dollars to get her out of trouble."
Shankstien gives his son a check.
A week later, Shankstien's youngest son comes to him and says, "Papa, I knocked up a girl at college. I need four thousand dollars to help her out of trouble."
Shankstien gives him a check, too.
Two days later, Shankstien's daughter comes to him and says, "Papa, I'm pregnant."
Shankstien says, "Tank God, business is picking up."
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Friday, April 23rd, 7:30 pm
The Adventures Of Jackie Martling
The Dix Hills Performing Arts Center
Five Towns College
305 North Service Road
Dix Hills NY 11746
Box Office (631) 656-2148
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Harry's kneeling at his wife's coffin, and a friend kneels next to him.
His friend says, "Harry, I know it's tough. But in a few weeks you'll start to feel better, and in a year or so you'll start to date, and maybe, eventually, you'll meet another nice woman."
Harry says, "I know, I know. But what am I gonna do tonight?"
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Jena has a huge black bush, and she's very proud of it. She prefers the natural look, so she never trims it, just lets it grow wild. She gets invited to a costume party, and when she gets there, the host answers the door and there's Jena, naked except for black gloves and black shoes.
The host says, "What are you supposed to be?"
Jena says, "The Five Of Spades."
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Friedman comes running into the apartment and says to his wife, "We've got to move. I just heard that the night manager's fucked almost every woman in the building."
His wife says, "Yeah, he missed a few on the fourth floor."
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Hartke and his wife are eating at a Chinese buffet when the owner comes over and says, "Mr. Hartke, how you rike-a meal?"
Hartke says, "The duck was very rubbery."
The owner says, "Ah, sank you, and your wife is very rubbery, too."
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A huge woman in a bar says to a guy, "If you can guess my weight, you can fuck me."
He says, "I'd say four hundred pounds, you big fat cow."
She says, "Close enough, you lucky bastard."
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Norris is driving on a country road when all of a sudden a chicken with three legs passes him. A few minutes later, another chicken with three legs runs by. And a few minutes later, another three-legged chicken runs by. Norris follows the chickens up a dirt road to a farm house, and there's a farmer in a pen feeding a bunch of three-legged chickens.
Norris says, "These your chickens?"
The farmer says, "Yup."
Norris says, "They've all got three legs."
The farmer says, "Yup. Raise 'em that way. You see, I like drumsticks, my wife, she likes drumsticks. My son, my daughter, we all just love drumsticks. So's I breed 'em this way so's we gets lots of drumsticks."
Norris says, "How do they taste?"
The farmer says, "Can't tell you. We never been able to catch one."
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How's a pizza delivery boy like a gynecologist?
They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
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Garver meets a new girl. On their second date, she invites him into her bedroom, they lie on her bed, and he starts kissing her and feeling her up a little.
She whispers into his ear, "Umm...before I can have sex, I have to be really aroused. And I'm a little bit kinky."
Garver says, "No problemo. I can handle anything. What would you like me to do?"
She says, "Please squat over me and shit on my chest."
He thinks to himself, "Hmm...that's definitely little bit kinky."
But, but he likes her, and she's cute as hell, so he figures, what the hell. He undresses, stands over her, squats down, lets fly a decent run on her chest, and they go on to have really great sex. Their sex is so good that he sees her more and more often for the next few months.
He starts to save it up, he tries his best not to poo except when they're together, to make sure he'll be able to get her really worked up, because the bigger the pile he makes, the wilder she gets. Between dates, he eats like a horse, and by never dumping until he's in bed with her, he's got a lot to give. Sometimes he drops five or six pounds on her.
Then, one day, he's squatting over her, grunting and groaning, but he can only muster up a tiny little fart..."lbbt!"...and she starts to cry.
Garver says, "Hey...what's the matter?"
She says, "You don't love me anymore."
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A midget's marooned on a desert island for fourteen years, and finally one day he's rescued. When they get him to shore, they ask him what he'd like.
He says, "You know damn well what I'd like."
They take him to a brothel, he goes upstairs with a girl, they go in a room, and they both get undressed. Then he puts on a condom, puts some cotton in each ear, and puts a clothespin on his nose.
The girl says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The midget says, "If there's two things in this world that I hate, it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."
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A guy walks into a bar, he's got a big bruise, a big bruise, right in the middle of his forehead.
The bartender says, "What happened to you?"
He says, "I was in the back yard fucking my wife doggie style, she ran under the house."
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Here we are in the galley of a slave ship in the time of the Pharaohs, and the slaves are rowing their asses off. The slave master comes down the steps and cracks! his whip.
He says, "All right, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we're gonna have movies every Saturday night."
The slaves let out a moan, "Unhh."
He says, "And now for the bad news. The captain wants to go waterskiing."
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What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?
"You must be new around here."
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A doctor makes a routine phone call to one of his elderly patients.
He says, "How are you feeling, Mr. Schwartz?"
He says, "I feel fine, doc, but you know, it's the damnedest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, and I open up the bathroom door, the light goes on for me automatically."
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting a little senile, so he calls the guy's son, and the son's wife answers.
He says, "Mrs. Schwartz, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up in the middle of the night to urinate, and opens the bathroom door, he claims the light goes on automatically, and I..."
She yells, "Hey, Ernie! Pop's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
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Lange & Cunterlach are fishing.
Cunterlach says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months."
Lange says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
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A WalMart greeter in Cleveland is standing near the entrance with her clipboard when a really, really ugly woman comes in with a five-year-old and a ten-year-old.
The greeter says, "Are they twins, ma'am?"
She says, "Of course not, they're five years apart. Why in the world would you think they was twins?"
The greeter says, "I just couldn't believe anybody fucked you twice."
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A little kid sits an his grandfather's lap and says, "Pop-Pop, would you make a noise like a frog?"
The old guy says, "Why?"
The kid says, "Because Mom says when Grandpa croaks we're all going to Disney World."
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for the kids:
Where do fish keep their money?
In riverbanks.
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast comes up brown on both sides.
Why don't elephants pick their nose?
They wouldn't know where to hide a 30-pound booger.
Did you hear about the police officer who was standing in dog poop?
He was on duty.
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A couple's on vacation. The husband goes up to a wishing well, throws in a penny...ploop! Nothing. The wife takes out a penny. She walks up, trips, ass over head, falls into the wishing well, and drowns.
He says, "Fuck...it works."
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An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.
He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the mike is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."
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We love you for tuning in to
Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius channel Howard 101,
calling in, 1-888-783-7610, & helping to spread the word...
our next show, this Tuesday, February 16th,
is Jackie's Joke Hunt 163, The Meatheaded Cyclops ...
Please call Jackie & Ian on the air with your jokes & comments at
1-888-stern 101 ... 1-888-783-7610 ... please e-mail us at: jokeland@aol.com
on the Internet at www.sirius.com
airs live Tuesdays at 7-8 p.m. Eastern
repeats Thursday at midnight Eastern, Saturdays at 2 p.m. Eastern, Sundays 6 a.m. Eastern
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A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."
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brand new "I Stumped Jackie The Joke Man" tee shirts...M, L, XL, XXL, XXL...please click and have a look!
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thanks,
JokeLand Inc.
Box 58
Bayville, NY 11709
USA
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