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We're all familiar with the phrases, birds of a feather flock together, misery loves company, and guilt by association. Usually these sayings are wielded like a bludgeon by curmudgeonly old ladies bent on proving how worthless we are. Examples: First -- You come home to your crib after hanging out with some putos at the neighborhood bodega, and the second you open the front door your mamasita smacks you upside da head with a plantain while screaming "birds of a feather flock together." Next -- The Mets loose to the Yankees at Citi Field, and the following morning you wake up in a sports bar with your boxers on your head, a sticky face, and underneath three hairy gay guys wearing Mets uniforms -- misery loves company. Last -- You wonder into a brothel to get change for the parking meter, and while the fat Korean hookers are giving happy endings to their Johns the cops come in and bust you for solicitation -- guilt by association.
It's a cruel world, and I'm here to tell you that I've personally experienced the three examples mentioned above. For these reasons, and based upon my background, I'm very sensitive to these three phrases. Especially, guilt by association. As Stern fans, we've all heard the infamous, childhood abuse tapes of Howard's father, Ben Stern, berating his cherubic 7-year-old son to stop acting stupid, and to not be a moron. Obviously, Ben's great expectations for Howard to be a miniature Walter Cronkite were hopelessly insane.
Howard dealt with his feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and inadequacy stemming from being a disappointment to his father by pretending it didn't matter, and treating it like a joke. But as any shrink worth 50-minutes of one's time and a $25 co-pay can attest, jokes often hide the truth. Howard Stern's tapes of parental abuse are more damning than the Nixon Watergate Tapes. They are the key, the Rosetta Stone if you will into Howard's psyche. This is why as an altercocker with a father who has one foot in the grave, Howard is desperate to portray himself not as a 55-year old pitiful man unable to let go of his adolescent antics, but as a man of substance. It's a classic case of Love Me Daddy.
Oh yeah sure Ben Stern has recently adopted the habit of ending his on-air phone calls with the words, "I love you, Howard." But his words are said jokingly, without sincerity, and with the haste of a departing cheating spouse anxious to rendezvous with their lover. Or in Ben Stern's case, a hot date with a Seinfeld episode, or a CNN anchorman. In short, with people Ben Stern admires, and wishes he could call son.
Now, obviously Howard can't turn back the clock and pursue a career as a politician or television anchorman. True, Howard once made a half-hearted run for Governor of New York. But, when a candidate has an entourage that includes a dildo-waving Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, he can't be taken seriously. So what can a megalomaniac like Howard Stern do to redefine himself into someone his parents can be proud of? Answer, realistically, not much.
However, let's not forget we're not dealing with just anyone -- we're dealing with the Titan of Talk, The Sultan of Spin, we're dealing with the self-titled King of All Media -- Howard Stern. So what does Howard do? -- He takes the phrase guilt by association, and transforms it, abracadabra, into Great By Association. Bravo! Howard gives money to charities like The North Shore Animal League or rescues a bird, and presto-chango he's an animal lover. With his former wife Alison, Howard created a charitable foundation, and voilà he's a philanthropist. After 9-11 Howard gave his listener's money to benefit families and victims of the World Trade Center attack, and shazam, he's a patriot. Of course the next day he's back at work trying to cajole someone's daughter into taking a ride to paradise aboard the Sybian machine, or enticing Sal Governale to cum on Richard's back. So much for getting his father, Ben Stern to respect him. So much for being the next Walter Cronkite.
So how does all this claptrap tie into the title of this blog, Howard Stern's Desperate Belief in The Concept of Greatness by Association? Good question. If you stay alert and avoid falling asleep during the Tradio calls, and Ashley Madison commercials, you will occasionally pick up on Howard mischievously attaching virtues to someone whom he thinks could be viewed as being similar to him -- i.e. great by association. Obviously, even Howard realizes he can't openly extol his own virtues too often, or too much. Even Howard's peanut gallery's frequent assertions that Howard Stern is handsome ring insincere. Therefore, deftly, and with finesse, Howard has mastered the art of the oblique self-compliment. Look at Howard's back and there's a hand print from being patted there too many times. Unfortunately, that hand print is Howard's own. I often wonder if Howard is even aware of how transparent and lame his behavior is. Sometimes one has to have the courage to accept not only others as they are, but themselves as well. And the latter is much more difficult. Que sera!
The latest incidence of Howard's great by association comment was during a discussion of Sacha Baron Cohen's movie Bruno. Howard said that the movie was important because it showed how people really were. Specifically, that Paula Abdul was a hypocrite for talking about her charity work while sitting on a Mexican, or that rednecks are homophobic. Howard's assertion is that Sacha Baron Cohen's exhibitionism, crude gay jokes, and poking fun at religion can all be regarded as noble and great. The underlying message implied is that Howard also engages in exhibitionism, crude gay jokes, and pokes fun at religion so he too is important, noble, and great. I've noticed this tendency of Howard to glam onto perceived greatness many times, and wish I had kept a list. Bottom line, the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons. There's a child in Howard, and in us all yearning to break free, and escape the constraints and shackles of our youth, where for a simple twist of fate, or unkind word we're trapped in a living hell of our own design.
For Howard Shrine Spews & Views, this is I. Humphrey saying, "I believe bloggers are courageous, generous, and erudite people of honor who write about important people, so are therefore pretty gosh darn important, beyaaatch!"
Life is like living in a week old stuffed-derma being consumed in teeny tiny bites by a denture wearing fat old Jewish lady with chopped-liver breath, and sporting too much fire-engine red lipstick while busy playing Canasta with her blondish-blue haired yenta friends at a seaside stone table in Brighton Beach Brooklyn prior to a Suzanne Pleshette concert. -- July 17, 2009 From the musings of Iggy -- I. Humphrey
The Howard Stern word of the week is: trepidation.
