There's two brothers. One's an incredible optimist, and the other's an incredible pessimist. For Christmas, the pessimist gets an expensive pen, a beautiful silk shirt, and a hundred-dollar bill. All the optimist gets is a stocking full of horse crap.
Christmas morning, the pessimist opens up his stuff, and he says, "Ah, this pen's probably gonna leak all over the shirt, and I'll probably lose the hundred-dollar bill."
The optimist looks in his stocking, and he says, "Whoa! A pony! He's gone, but he'll be back!"
*************
Happy Everything,
It's about to snow a foot and a half. I'm going to light the fire after thanking you for reading this and then putting together a great batch of jokes for you.
My new Oglio CD, snart, 78 minutes of filthy jokes, will be out April Fool's Day. Yay.
After three consecutive acting roles as Henry "Dutch" Holland & good reviews for my parts in The Aristocrats & Leverage, I've been named The Official Host of The Hoboken International Film Festival for 2010, and on opening night I'll be in both the opening short, "Jokebitch," by Tom Ellis, and the featured movie, "An Affirmative Act," by Ken Del Vecchio. Wheee.
I've got shows coming up in New Jersey, two great places, I hope to see you. All of you.
*****
see Jackie 10 p.m. Saturday, December 26th, at
Ferrara's
Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
box office (732) 899-3900
*************
see Jackie 8 p.m. Saturday. January 2nd, at
The Record Collector Store
Bordentown, New Jersey
box office (609) 324-0880
*************
Friedman walks in the door from work, and right away he says to his wife, "Put on your coat."
She says, "Are you taking me for a drink?"
He says, "No, I'm turning off the heat."
*****
This is The JokeLand E-Mail List.
If you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now.
Please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com ...
*****
Burford's sitting alone one night when a genie pops up out of his empty beer bottle.
The genie says, "And what shall your third wish be?"
Burford says, "Huh? A third wish? I never had a first or a second wish. I've never even seen you before."
The genie says, "You have had two wishes already. But your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was back before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
Burford says, "Okay. I don't believe this, but what the hell. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside a woman's head."
The genie says, "Funny. that was your first wish, too."
*****
We love you for tuning in to Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius Howard 101. Please call in, 1-888-783-7610. Our next show, at 7pm EST this Tuesday, December 22nd, will be Jackie's Joke Hunt 154, pot snot & twat .
drop me a line, send me a joke, do something... jokeland@aol.com
j.
*****
Why don't government employees look out the window in the morning?
Because then they wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon.
*****
A guy's girlfriend has a small apartment with a small couch. Every time he goes there, her cat's in the middle of her couch, so he can't sit down without moving it. One day when he gets there his girlfriend isn't home, so he drives the cat ten miles away and drops him off. When he gets back to her place, the cat's on the couch.
The next time she isn't home he drives the cat twenty miles away and drops him off. When he gets back to her place, the cat's on the couch.
The next time she isn't home, he drives the cat fifty miles away, over a river, across the state line, turns left, goes five blocks, turns right, goes ten blocks, tosses the cat out the window, and takes off.
An hour and a half later, he calls her apartment and says, "Is the cat there?"
She says, "Yes, he's on the couch."
He says, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost."
*****
There once was a fellow named Locke,
Who was born with two heads on his cock,
When he fondled the thing,
It'd rise up & sing,
A duet that would both soothe & shock.
*****
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.
The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband, and he says, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that. Tomorrow, please ask her to go into the bedroom and show you? I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
And she agrees, because it helps the joke.
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed? I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
*****
An Irish girl comes home from college.
She says, "Mother, I've got me a case of V.D."
Her mother says, "Put it in the cellar, your old man'll drink anything."
*****
It's the late 1800's. Sister Noreen is turning ninety-five, so the local doctor comes to call.
The doctor says, "You're in pretty good health, but I suggest you take a shot of whiskey twice a day to relax."
She says, "Oh, I could never be lured into worldly pleasures, doctor."
The doctor tells the Mother Superior, and she says, "Don't you be worrying, doctor. Sister Noreen loves milk. I'll have the kitchen spike her milk twice a day."
A year later, Sister Noreen is on her death bed.
The Mother Superior says, "Sister Noreen, would you like to leave us with any words of wisdom?"
Sister Noreen says, "Don't ever sell that fucking cow."
*****
Why wasn't Martha Stewart a cheerleader?
Because every time she did a split, either the grass died or the floor buckled.
*************
We love you for tuning in to
Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius channel Howard 101,
calling in, 1-888-783-7610, & helping to spread the word...
our next show, this Tuesday, December 22nd,
will be Jackie's Joke Hunt 154, pot snot & twat...
Please call Jackie & Ian on the air with your jokes & comments at
1-888-stern 101 ... 1-888-783-7610 ... please e-mail us at: jokeland@aol.com
on the Internet at www.sirius.com
airs live Tuesdays at 7-8 p.m. Eastern
repeats Thursday at midnight Eastern, Saturdays at 2 p.m. Eastern, Sundays 6 a.m. Eastern
*************
Stukowski's walking along and he sees a sign, "Riverboat Ride, Seventy-Five Dollars." He pays his money, the guy walks behind him, clanks! him on the head with a wrench, puts him in an inner tube, and floats him down the river.
Washington comes walking along and sees the same sign, "Riverboat Ride, Seventy-Five Dollars." He pays his money, the guy walks behind him, clanks! him on the head with a wrench, puts him in an inner tube, and floats him down the river. A few miles down the river, the two inner-tubes float up next to each other.
Washington turns to Stukowski and says, "Well, God-damn! What kind of riverboat ride was dat? Dey didn't even serve no liquor!"
Stukowski says, "They didn't serve any last year, either."
*************
What's the difference between poverty and a Jewish wife?
You can get used to poverty.
*************
Schmidlap's got a big, fat wife. She gets out of the shower, sits on the pot, and gets stuck. So he calls the plumber. Then he realizes she's sitting there naked. He can't have that, so he takes his bowler derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base.
The plumber shows up, takes one look, and he says, "Well, mac, I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat's a goner."
*************
It's been twenty-five long years, and Sabean's wife drags him to see a marriage couselor.
The marriage counselor says, "So what seems to be the problem?"
Mrs. Sabean goes into a wild tirade, ranting about every problem they've ever had. She goes on and on about neglect, no intimacy, always feeling empty and lonely and unloved and unlovable, an endless list of the needs she has that were ignored their entire marriage.
The therapist gets up, walks around his desk, takes Mrs. Sabean's hand and pulls her onto her feet, puts his arms around her, and gives her a big wet kiss. As they're kissing, he unbuttons her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts, and squeezes them softly. As quickly as he had started, the therapist stops and goes back behind his desk. A little shocked, Mrs. Sabean buttons her blouse, and sits back down, and can't help but glow from being aroused.
The therapist says to Sabean, "That's what your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do it?"
Sabean says, "I can drop her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf."
*************
Why should you put Nancy Grace into a wood chipper feet first?
On the outside chance her expression might change.
*************
Every night for twenty years, Irving Schwartz gets down on his knees and says, "Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. I'm a good Jewish boy. One time, couldn't you let me win the lottery? One time? I'm good to my parents, I'm good to my children, I go to temple. Please, Lord, please, one time, let me win the lottery."
He's on his knees every night for twenty years.
"Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. Would you please let me, sometime, win the lottery?"
Finally one night after twenty years, the heavens open up, and God says, "Irv, if you want to win the lottery, you got to buy a fucking ticket."
*************
What's round and brown and sits on a wall?
Humpty Asshole.
*************
A slice of pizza is in a stomach, waiting to be digested, when a shot of whiskey washes past him. A few minutes later, a double shot of whiskey goes by. A few minutes later, a shot of Tequila goes by.
The piece of pizza says to the shot of Tequila, "What's going on up there?"
The shot of Tequila says, "They're having a really great party."
The piece of pizza says, "Oh, yeah? I think I'll go up and take a look."
*************
Youngman goes into the psychiatrist's office.
He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every morning when I wake up, I have this irresistible urge to stuff my nostrils with tobacco."
The psychiatrist says, "You want a light?"
*************
Three Polish kids flunk Sex Ed.
The first kid says, "We gotta get even with that teacher."
The second kid says, "Yeah. We'll strip her, and tie her up."
The third kid says, "Yeah. And then we'll suck her cock."
*************
Hartke and his wife take a trip to Paris, and she's exhausted from traveling, so the first night he's out walking alone when a hooker comes up to him and says, "Would Monsieur like some company?"
Hartke says, "How much?"
She says, "Five hundred dollars."
He says, "No, thanks."
She says, "What would Monsier want to spend?"
Hartke's not really interested, so he says, "Fifty."
She gives him a disgusted look, turns, and walks away. The next night, Hartke and his wife are sitting in a streetside cafe' when the hooker comes walking by.
She takes a look at Hartke's wife, then turns to him and says, "You see what Monsieur gets for fifty dollars?"
*************
for the kids:
What did the triangle say to the circle?
There's no point to your life.
What do you get from a nervous cow?
A milk shake.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a hen?
Pooched eggs.
Which day of the week do chickens hate the most?
Fry day.
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast comes up brown on both sides.
*************
Schmidlap's in bed with a girl when they hear the sound of a key in the front door.
She jumps up and says, "Jesus, it's my husband. Quick, jump out the window."
He looks out and says, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor."
She says, "This is no time to be superstitious, you asshole."
*************
What's the worst thing about dating a girl that has asthma?
When you're fucking her it sounds like she's hissing you.
*************
Pace is fucking his wife in the ass for the first time.
She says, "Oww! That hurts!"
He says, "No, it doesn't. It feels great."
*************
How is pussy is like snow?
It's always fun at first, you never know when you're gonna get some,
& only some of it's clean enough to eat.
*************
brand new "I Stumped Jackie The Joke Man" tee shirts...M, L, XL, XXL, XXL...please click and have a look!
*************
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat.
Stash says, "What should we do?"
Kowalski says, "You better jump in and help him. He's been under a long time."
So Stash jumps in, and after a while, he comes back up with Fred, and they drag him back into the boat.
Stash says, "What do we do now? It doesn't look like he's breathing."
Kowalski says, "You better give him mouth to mouth."
Stash starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa! I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."
Kowalski says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
*************
always great jokes! you owe me!
It's finally here! The Jackie Button is now for sale in the Apple App Store!
68 Jackie noises & 68 great PG jokes...
and the app will be upgraded every few weeks with more jokes...for only 99 cents!
************
Perkins starts talking to a stranger at the bar, and tells him that he's just come from London to marry Shelly, the waitress in the restaurant on the corner.
The stranger says, "Shelly? Hell, I've known Shelly for ten years. Bleached blonde, with a wild black bush, looks like she's sitting on Buckwheat's shoulders?"
Perkins says, "Yes, she's a bit untrimmed."
"What a piece of work she is. She's got an ostrich tattooed on her lower belly with its head buried in her snatch?"
"Yes, yes, that would be her."
"Shelly, who can't seem to get it deep in her ass enough?"
"Righty-o."
"I must have shots her five hundred loads in and all over that broad."
Perkins says, "Bartender, please give this gentleman a drink on me. It appears he's a friend of my fiancee'."
************
www.jokeland.com
for information on Jackie's shows, you can always "Use Your Finger!"
thirty years of free jokes!
and dial (516) 922-WINE ...(516) 922-9463
not a pay service, just a local call...
*************
You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line.
thanks,
JokeLand Inc.
Box 58
Bayville, NY 11709
USA
www.jokeland.com
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